


I'm okay I'm not okay

by Harukyuties



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst?, Attempt at Humor, Dick Jokes, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Jungs siblings, M/M, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, i think so, mentioned other nct members
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27894730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harukyuties/pseuds/Harukyuties
Summary: Jeno is okay. He is okay but is he really okay? Jaemin on the other hand, is trying to help Jeno but is he really helping?Or alternatively,Jeno and Jaemin are both college students with the former majoring in psychology and the latter majoring in veterinarian. What would happen when both of them cross path at the wrong timing?
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Kudos: 15





	I'm okay I'm not okay

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first attempt at a nomin fic and this will be my second nct fic. This is my first time writing this much words and my writing skill is bad, there's probably lots of unnecessary scenes. I don't know what goes through my mind when I write this but I hope you will enjoy it :)) This fic is inspired by IKON- I'M OK
> 
> \- English is not my first language  
> \- Sorry if there are grammar mistakes

Life has always been a joke for Jeno. It was as if it’s laughing at him, laughing at how pathetic Jeno is, how pathetic he is living like a useless lifeless soul wandering around the city without any purpose. It’s not like Jeno wants to live like this, but the environment he grew up in is what turned him into what he is today. Jeno had gone through so much he became indifferent to any situations. 

It was fine when he was young. Jeno grew up in a loving family where he has a loving father and mother to come home to after school. No matter how busy his parents get with work, they would always try their best to spend time with their son. This loving environment that he grew up in shaped him into a very loving, energetic and kind child. Or what you would call the ‘happy go lucky’ child. Everyone in the neighbourhood envied the Lees household. 

But that changed when the Lees family had an accident on the way back from their mini-trip at Busan. It was in the evening when they started their journey to go back to Seoul. Mama Lee had suggested for them to go back early morning the next day as it was not safe to drive at night but Papa Lee said it was fine. He said he would make sure to drive safely. As safely as he could, he tried to avoid an oncoming car that was rushing past the red light at a T-junction. But to no avail, both cars crashed and it hit the lamp post. Both cars were crumpled to the point where it couldn’t be recognized as a vehicle and the impact had caused both drivers to pass away on spot. Mama Lee’s situation was not too good either as she passed on the way to the hospital. Although the accident was very terrible, Jeno somehow survived. It was a miracle according to the doctors. 

He was 7 when this happened; therefore, the trauma he got from the accident was very bad. It was a nightmare for the young boy as he wakes up at night from the sleep demon that was chasing him in his dream, trying to ‘blame’ him for the accident. It makes Jeno feel guilty that he was able to survive meanwhile the others didn’t. Because of his nightmare, Jeno picks up the habit of not sleeping. He tries to stay awake as long as he can, causing his sleeping schedule to mess up, hence his current issue of insomnia. This seems a lot for a seven years old but it was just the beginning of his fucked up life. 

Jeno was taken in by his aunt, his father’s sister after the accident. Luckily, his aunt is kind and loving towards him and he appreciates it, he really does but it was hard to open up to her. Jeno kept everything to himself like that one prank that happened to him in middle school. The prank ‘meant no harm’, that’s what the kids in school said to the officials. If no harm, why would Jeno end up in the hospital? The supposed no harm prank was just some kids putting peanut butter onto the door handle of the restroom. It’s really no harm but when someone’s allergic to peanut butter, you could already expect what happened. Jeno, who is allergic to peanut butter, happens to touch the peanut butter door handle. 

Ever since then, Jeno was made fun of and bullied by people in his school. The news of Jeno ending up in the hospital because of peanut butter was somehow passed around the neighbourhood causing students from other schools to also take part in bullying Jeno either physically or emotionally. Everyone finds it funny and weird that someone could be allergic to peanut butter. This went on till high school and every time something bad happens, Jeno keeps his struggle to himself, not counting on anyone. Not like he has friends anyways. All these events eventually broke him as he was suffering by himself on the inside.

The good thing was it eventually stopped when Jeno attended college but the damage had been done. In college, Jeno decides to major in psychology, thinking that perhaps it could help him understand himself better and he could change for the better. But no, it did not help him. Instead, he becomes addicted to his newfound habit to cope with the emotional pain, intense anger and frustration that he’s been feeling his whole life, skin burning and cutting. But if there’s one thing that was good about college, Jeno would say his friend, Renjun. Renjun is one odd person in college. He’s so unbothered about everything that happens around him but if someone were to mess with him or Jeno or his boyfriend YangYang, he wouldn’t hesitate to fight. He’s tiny but scary as hell when angered. Other than that, he’s usually just a soft pure boy or what his boyfriend would prefer, a catboy.

✨ 

“I’m okay.” Jeno stated as he stares into space, zoning out of reality, sitting on the pavement outside the nightclub with a cigarette between his fingers. He takes a deep breath of the cigarette and holds it in, feeling his chest burn with the lack of fresh air. He puffed out the smoke after a while, coughing a bit causing the person sitting beside him to pat his back.

“You sure?” The person asked.

“Yes Renjun. Now go back inside and have fun. You don’t have to stay with me, I’m fine.” Jeno waved his hand, shooing his friend away. After Renjun disappears into the night club, Jeno presses the end of his cigarette to his forearm. He winced at the burning sensation but there is no sign of him taking the cigarette away. Instead, he pressed harder. The burning sensation, he loves it and craves it. He sighed in satisfaction, throwing the cigarette away after the burning sensation was gone. 

Jeno turns to look at the night club entrance where everyone is excited and hyper to get drunk and have sex in contrast to him who looks like a pathetic loner. What was he doing at the nightclub anyways? Jeno didn’t like crowded and noisy places like this, so why is he here? 

And it’s all thanks to Renjun, Jeno was dragged to the nightclub. To celebrate his boyfriend and his third anniversary, the older Chinese thought it was a good idea to get drunk and make out in a place full of sweaty and drunk people. Jeno didn’t know what went through his friend’s head, but he didn’t question it. He tried to find things that can fill him up in the night club, which eventually turns out to be drinks. Hence here he was, drinking away. It’s not like he has anything to do in a nightclub besides drinking. He would rather die than dance and make out with strangers. He could also probably use a few drinks to drink away all his problems. 

Turning away, Jeno fiddles with his phone, pondering whether he should text his friend that he’s leaving. He didn’t feel like going back into the night club after enjoying the night breeze outside. Eventually, he sends a short text ‘Going back, have fun.’ to Renjun then pocketed his phone away. Under the street light, his shadow illuminates on the pavement and it looks dead, just like him. He chuckled slightly, even his shadow looked pathetic. As he keeps walking, the crowds and passerby lessen as it is already very late but Jeno did not care nor did he lift his guard up towards his surroundings. 

So he was not surprised when someone pounced on him and pulled him into an alley. Jeno did not fight back when he was robbed at the alley. He just stood still, letting those people take whatever they want on him. It’s not like he has anything valuable anyways and he was used to it, he was used to people pouncing onto him for no reason. Jeno slumped down on the ground after he was left alone in the alley. He didn’t know what to feel if he should laugh or cry at his fucked up life.

“Are you okay?” A voice suddenly resounded in the quiet alley. 

“I’m okay.” Jeno replied, thinking it would be rude if he did not reply to the stranger.

“But you’re crying…” The stranger said again, not convinced with Jeno’s answer.

“Oh, I am? Don't worry about me, I’m really okay.” Jeno said as he looked up and gave the stranger the biggest smile he could muster, his famous eye smile. Wiping his tears away, Jeno stands up with the help of the stranger offering hand and dust off his clothes. The stranger in front of him had a worried look but did not question it. 

Although Jeno’s eyesight is filled with new brimming tears, he could still see the stranger. The stranger is pretty, people with eyesight could definitely see the beauty. He seems to have the same height as Jeno but his shoulder is wider making Jeno look smaller when standing next to the stranger. The stranger’s eyes also seem to sparkle.

“Thank you er…” 

“Jaemin. My name is Jaemin.” The stranger could probably sense what Jeno was trying to say.

“Ah, thank you Jaemin. If there’s nothing else, I’ll get going. I hope we don’t run into each other again.” Jeno said as he started to walk away. 

Confused, Jaemin could only look at Jeno from behind, watching as his figure disappeared into the night when he turned left out of the alley. What was Jaemin doing in the alley in the first place? As a college student majoring in veterinarian, he is bound to be an animal lover. Jaemin was walking past the alley when he heard a cat meow so he decided to check it out. In the midst of petting the furry animal, he heard sobbing sound. As a normal human, he got curious so he looks for the source of sound leading him to find Jeno. 

✨

Beads of sweat roll down Jeno’s forehead as he tosses around his bed. His face was wearing the same frown that can be spotted even during the daytime. Suddenly, he springs up from his bed, sweats still rolling down his forehead, clothes soaked with sweat as he gasps for air. He was having the same nightmare again. After he came down from his high and his breath had eventually even, Jeno let out a laugh. He was laughing at how he was still affected by an accident that happened 15 years ago. If someone were to witness this scene, they would think he’s a psychopath. 

As someone with insomnia, he couldn’t sleep anymore that night so decided to get ready for work. Although he’s living with his aunt, it does not feel right to live off of her so he decided to work, earning his own money so he could pay for his own necessities. After washing his face, he changed into a track-pants and white tee paired with a jacket to cover up his forearms that were filled with burning marks and bandages for his scars from skin cutting. Before leaving, he had a cup of milk.

It was still early when Jeno arrived at his workplace, a cozy cafe owned by a couple. Usually, Jeno would be the first one to arrive so he was eventually given the role to open and set up the cafe but it was already open when he arrived today. Weird, Jeno thinks. The owner did not say anything about someone else other than him opening the cafe nor they have any function going on.

“Hello?” Jeno called out to see if there’s anyone in the cafe or if he needs to call the police to report a break-in.

“At the back!” A voice shouted from the storage room. Hearing a response, Jeno heads towards the back.

“Doyoung hyung? What are you doing here so early?” Jeno questioned when he saw the owner in the storage room. Usually, the owner Doyoung and his boyfriend Jaehyun would be in charge of the kitchen and the storage room was given to Jungwoo and Johnny to take care of. 

“Oh, Jeno you’re here! Come help me. A new batch of ingredients just arrived and the delivery man insisted that he must have the paperwork sign so I came here.” Doyoung explained, not looking at the younger boy as he was arranging the box of ingredients on the shelf.

Feeling there isn’t a need to reply, Jeno puts his bag down and helps Doyoung quietly. Both of them were just arranging the boxes on the shelf with Doyoung making small talks occasionally. After they are done with the top shelf, they move to the middle shelf.

“Jeno, could you push those boxes further down?” Doyoung said, pointing towards the boxes at the back of the shelf as he puts new boxes onto the shelf. Doyoung is trying to fit as much as he could onto the middle shelf since the storage room is not too big and they still have quite a lot of boxes left to arrange.

“Yeah, sure.” Jeno immediately gets to work, pushing the boxes to the back. It was going well but he did not notice the top shelf. The shelf is quite old hence there’s bound to have some loose screws. While pushing the boxes, the shelf was shaking causing one of the boxes on the top shelf to fall. Quick-witted, Jeno tries to save the box from falling onto the ground that would cause a mess. And luckily, he did save it but the impact of the heavy box onto Jeno’s hold caused his cutting marks to reopen. Jeno hissed at the stinging sensation as he starts to feel blood trailing down his forearm, soaking the bandage and the sleeve of his white tee is probably now covered in red. Thank god, the jacket he’s wearing is black. He wouldn’t want Doyoung to find out about his bad habit.

“What’s going on? I heard some noise...” Doyoung had left his spot to check up on Jeno. The younger probably made too much noise and did not realize Doyoung was still there, currently beside him, checking upon him.

“The box fell and I caught it. Fast reflex right, hyung?” Jeno tries to make a joke as he puts down the box that he was holding and hides his bleeding arms behind his back.

“Omg, are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?” Doyoung sounded worried.

“Hyung, don’t worry I’m fine. Still in one piece.” Jeno chuckled, once again showing his eye smile to cover up what happened to him.

“Alright, you should set up the cafe now. I’m sure Johnny is on his way, he can help me.” Doyoung although a bit suspicious of Jeno dismissed the younger boy, shooing him away from the storage room.  


Jeno just nodded and took his bag, leaving the storage room to the break room where he changed into his work uniform. Seeing as there is no one in the break room, Jeno quickly took the first aid kit out and cleans up his wound. After making sure that his wound is all cleaned up, Jeno picks up the old bandages and cotton, taking them to the garbage bin at the back of the cafe. The cafe opened not long after he set it up. People aged from teenager to elderly started flooding the cafe but it was not too hectic.

\-----

“Jeno, this is table 7.” Sungchan said as he placed a hot chocolate and iced americano on the tray for Jeno to serve it. 

“Thanks.” Jeno thanked the younger for placing the drinks on the tray, so all he needs to do is serve the customer their orders.

“Channie, I’m so tired…” A voice interrupted them as the person threw himself onto Sungchan. The younger boy could only grumble, letting out an ‘ugh’ at the impact.

“Hyung, get off me.” Sungchan whined, trying to push the person away.

Jeno could only smile at what was happening. The Jungs siblings had always been like this. Jaehyun although look tough and tall, he behaves like a baby and when things don’t go his way, he would whine and most people would surrender to him because of his dimples but there are only two people that can put up with a whiny Jaehyun, Sungchan and Doyoung. Sungchan on the other hand looks like a soft tall baby but his looks could kill if someone angered him or hurt his beloved. People would think that Sungchan is the older since he seems much more mature than his brother, but thanks to his soft baby-like facial features and the obvious age gap, they accepted Jaehyun to be the older one.

Feeling like he’s interrupting a brother bonding session, Jeno takes the tray and walks towards table 7 that is occupied by a young boy and an older male which seems to be his father.

“Sir, here’s your order.” Jeno said as he placed the iced americano on the table and proceeded to the hot chocolate. But, nothing ever goes Jeno’s way because who knows what happened to the younger boy that he decided to jump around, knocking the hot chocolate off Jeno’s hand as the hot liquid made contact with Jeno’s newly bandaged wound. He hissed, dropping the tray that he was holding when the liquid seeps through the bandage, feeling the stinging sensation once again. The sound of the tray meets the floor resounded through the cafe causing almost everyone to look at Jeno’s direction.

“I’m so sorry young man.” The father apologized on behalf of his child.

“All good, I’ll clean this up and get you a new hot chocolate.” Jeno reassured the customer, putting on a smile as he picked up the tray walking back to the counter, instructing a hot chocolate to be made while ignoring his stinging arm.

\-----

“Doyoung hyung, I’m dropping by your cafe later.” Jaemin said into the phone and before Doyoung could say anything, he ended the call. Smiling cheekily, Jaemin barged in through the back door shouting ‘Hyung, I’m here!’ 

“Why bother telling me you’ll come when you’re already behind the door?” Doyoung rolled his eyes playfully at his cousin. 

“Aw hyung, can’t you be more excited? Be gladful I’m willing to come visit you when I could have hung out with my friends.” Jaemin looked through the newly baked pastries, taking some into his mouth.

“Oh, shush… I’m your only relative and friend. If you don’t visit me, who would you visit?” 

“Hey! I have friends okay? Where is Jaehyun hyung anyways?” Jaemin sulked at Doyoung’s accusation. Jokes on Doyoung, he actually had friends in college. Although only a few, Xiaojun, Haechan and Shotaro is enough for him.

“Outside with channie.” Doyoung although like a tsundere, he’s a whipped man for his boyfriend. Jaemin could see stars in his cousin’s eyes when the older was talking about his boyfriend.

Jaemin could only sigh in fondness. He always envied his cousin relationships. He didn’t know what Jaehyun sees in Doyoung but he is glad that there’s someone Doyoung could lean on. Looking out through the kitchen window, he saw the Jungs siblings clinging onto each other, mostly Jaehyun doing the clinging while Sungchan is trying to pry his brother off. He smiles at the Jungs siblings antic as his eyes wander around the cafe, landing it on the familiar person he saw last night at a dark alley. He gasped softly when he saw the familiar boy.

“Hyung, who’s that?” Jaemin asked, pointing his finger at the boy who’s walking away with a tray in hand.

“Who? The one at table 7?” Doyoung raised his head, stopping from kneading the dough and looked to where Jaemin was pointing.

“Yeah…”

“Oh, that’s Jeno-” Doyoung was cut off when a loud metal tray hitting the floor was heard.

Jaemin gasped softly when he saw what happened. He watched as the hot chocolate spilt onto Jeno’s arm. He watched as Jeno reassured the customer and said he is fine when clearly he is not. He watched as Jeno returned to the counter, a familiar smile that he saw last night was attached to Jeno’s face. The smile, the fake smile, Jaemin sees through it. Immediately, Jaemin rushed out of the kitchen. He didn’t know what was happening or why his body reacted that way, but one thing was clear. To make sure Jeno is fine.

On the other hand, Jeno is getting ready to bring the newly made hot chocolate to table 7 when someone snatched it from his grip. Jeno couldn’t process what was happening as he watched the person, speed walk to table 7 and put down the hot chocolate then turned away, walking back to him. Jeno didn’t have the chance to open his mouth and ask what was going on when the person dragged him to the break room.

“Where’s the first aid kit?” Jeno, still in a daze, could only point towards where the first aid kit is. After a while when Jeno finally knew what was going on, he took his hand away and stared at the stranger in front of him. The stranger looks familiar, where did he see him before? The eyes, the sparkling eyes...

“Jeno! I’m cleaning your wounds, don’t move.” 

“Jaemin-sshi? How do you know my name? I don’t remember telling you last night.” 

“That’s not important! Give me your hand. But if you really want to know, your nametag.” Jaemin commanded, pointing towards Jeno’s work uniform.

“Ah…” Jeno mumbled under his breath as he slowly stretched his arm out for Jaemin to clean it. 

They sit in the break room silently, the only movement is from Jaemin who is busy cleaning up Jeno’s wounded arm. If Jaemin saw the burning and cutting marks, Jeno is glad the other boy did not ask what happened. Occasionally, Jeno would hiss in pain when the alcoholic cotton pad came in contact with his wound only to get some ‘sorry’ in return from Jaemin. 

“All done.” Jaemin announced after a while as he started cleaning up, putting the first aid kit away.

“Thank you.” Jeno is confused as to why Jaemin, someone he barely knows would help him in cleaning his wound but he was thankful nonetheless.

“Jeno, I don’t know what you’re going through but try not to hurt yourself.” 

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not blind, Jeno. Those wounds on your arm are obviously a creation of self-harm.”

“And that’s none of your business.” Just when Jeno thought Jaemin wouldn’t bring the topic of his wound up, the younger boy did the opposite.

“It’s not but at least reach out to someone, open up to them. Don’t keep it to yourself, you’re just hurting yourself like this.”

“You don't know anything, don't act like you know everything.” Jeno glared.

“Then let me know, let me be your friend.” 

✨

A few months later~

“Renjun! Where are Jeno and the others ?” Jaemin pants, body bending down, hands on his knees as he tries to calm his breathing. His lecture ended late and so he was running to the field where Renjun and Jeno had agreed to meet up. Behind him, YangYang is walking slowly. Both of them have the same class so they were together. YangYang may be a crackhead and doesn’t look like a guy who would study veterinarian, but when it comes to studies, he is serious as fuck.

After what happened at the cafe, Jaemin demands his cousin for Jeno’s phone number. Doyoung was sceptical but gave the number anyways since he didn’t want Jaehyun to find out about his embarrassing stories from Jaemin. He wouldn’t see the day of light if Jaehyun knew about his embarrassing stories. 

When Jaemin first texted Jeno, the older male almost blocked him. But he didn’t, instead, Jeno goes along with what Jaemin does. Surprisingly, both of them clicked not long after finding out that they share lots of common interests. But this does not mean that Jeno had opened up because the older male is still as uptight as he was before. Jaemin tries his best to let Jeno open up to him but it was hard. Nonetheless, Jaemin is not giving up, he was determined to make Jeno open up about anything. Jaemin does not care if Jeno opens up to him about his pet dog, that is if he has one, as long as he opens up, Jaemin is satisfied.

From there, both of them eventually found out they went to the same college, thus one day, their friend group met and everyone just clicked, forming the friend group they have now. 

“Junnie, I’m about to die. Jaemin runs so fucking fast.” YangYang complained, going in for a hug from his boyfriend.

“He’s not fast, you’re just slow.” Renjun chuckled into the hug.

“Ahem, I’m not about to third wheel you two. Where is Jeno?” Jaemin interrupted. Renjun still didn’t answer him.

“Jeno went to the toilet with the others.” 

“What are four male friends doing in the toilet?” Jaemin questioned.

“To pee, Jaemin. What do you think they’ll do? Show dicks?” Sometimes, Jaemin doesn’t know how Renjun handles a sarcastic YangYang.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if they do. Haechan seems like the ringleader.” Jaemin answered back. His friend really seems like someone that would do that.

“Who do you think will have the longest dick?” Renjun wonders earning a ‘Hey!’ from his boyfriend as the said boyfriend starts to sulk.

“Shotaro maybe? He radiates big dick energy even though he has a baby face…” Jaemin laughed.

“What are you laughing at, Jaem?” Xiaojun’s voice can be heard from behind. Jaemin turned around and saw his friends approaching him with Jeno trailing at the back.

“Jeno!” Jaemin beams excitedly, waving his hand.

“The favouritism is showing, Jaem.” Haechan snickered causing the whole group to laugh.

“Anyways, we should go before my brother changes his mind.” Shotaro announced. They had planned a sleepover at Shotaro’s house for the weekend. 

Jeno didn’t want to join the sleepover but after much persuasion from both Jaemin and Renjun, he gave in. It’s not like he himself didn’t want to but he just feels that it’s better off being alone. He didn’t like big crowds, so when both friend groups first came together, he hated the idea of it. He didn’t want to interact, didn’t want to start something new because he knows they’re going to leave. One day, they’ll turn their back and leave and never come back. Just like his parents. The other reason as to why he gives in is that even though he’s better off by himself, loneliness does hit from time to time.

\-----

“I call dip on the last piece!” YangYang shouted.

“You wish!” Haechan glared. 

Soon both YangYang and Haechan were involved in a staring competition. Without much talking, they knew that the first person to blink would lose the last piece of pizza. Both of them were full of pride, not wanting to lose, so they keep staring and it becomes more intense as their eyes slowly start to dry. Still, no one is ready to lose. Eventually, YangYang blinks first.

“Ha, suck it up!” Haechan exclaimed, turning to the pizza box, ignoring the Chinese boy whining to his boyfriend.

“Junnie!” YangYang whines causing his boyfriend to laugh. Renjun eventually promised to buy a large box of pizza just for him, and the younger Chinese boy finally stopped whining, just cuddling in his boyfriend’s hold.

“Where’s the pizza?!” Haechan exclaimed, huge eyes staring at the pizza box as if the pizza box could give him the answer.

“I ate it. Both of you took too long in the staring competition.” Someone said from the side.

“Yuta hyung! Argh, Shotaro why is your brother like that?” The younger Japanese boy looks at his brother then back at Haechan, shrugging his shoulder causing everyone in the living room to burst out laughing. 

After the mini-competition, everyone settled down for a Harry Potter marathon. Shotaro settled down next to his brother Yuta on a couch while the Chinese couple settled on the opposite couch of the Japanese siblings. Jeno, Jaemin, Xiaojun and Haechan were sprawled all over the floor. Deep into the movie, no one realized that Jeno was gone until Jaemin asked where he went.

“Where did Jeno go?” Jaemin asked, looking around but could not see a single trace of Jeno.

“Maybe try the balcony upstairs.” Yuta suggested, then going back to the movie.

Renjun feeling worried for his friend suggested that both him and Jaemin should go check the balcony upstairs but Jaemin said that he can take care of it. Besides, YangYang was clinging onto Renjun real tightly. After making sure to call for Renjun if anything happens, Jaemin makes his way upstairs. As he approaches the balcony, the smell of cigarettes becomes stronger. He watches from behind quietly, enjoying the view of Jeno’s back and the night sky. 

In the past few months, Jaemin got to know Jeno better and had produced a slight crush towards the older male but it was a secret, of course. If his friends were to find out about his crush, they would tease him to no end.

He watches as Jeno puffs out the smoke from his mouth, then taking a new deep breath of the cigarette. This action was repeated a few times until he saw what happened next. Jaemin gasps slightly as he watches Jeno press the end of his cigarette to his forearm. He heard Jeno sighed in satisfaction, then throwing the cigarette away after. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Jaemin exclaimed as he approached Jeno at the balcony.

“How long have you been here?” Jeno asked when he saw Jaemin approach him with a frown on his face as if he’s angry.

“Long enough to see what you did. I thought I told you not to hurt yourself?” Jaemin sounded worried and for a while, Jeno felt guilty. But he brushed off the feeling. What is he guilty for anyways? It’s not like he did anything wrong. He watches as Jaemin inspect the burning marks on his forearm, occasionally brushing over it.

“Why are you making it a big deal when I'm fine?” Jeno takes his hand back, crossing it over his chest. 

“I care for you Jeno and look, I’m trying here. So why can’t you try to lean on others too? I told you I would be right by your side right? So could you try, for me?” Jaemin was starting to get tired of the progress that had gone nowhere. Jaemin was practically begging the older boy and Jeno could hear the desperation in Jaemin’s voice. Truth is, Jeno’s trying. He’s really trying but it’s hard when he is used to keeping everything to himself. 

“Jaemin, do you know the feeling of being alive but dead? I’m there but inside I’m dead. That’s what I feel everyday… I live my life without purpose every day. Even though I want to do many different things, I become lethargic and I’m just there like an extra. No one cares even when I’m gone. How long did it take for you to realize I’m gone huh?”

“Jeno, we care for you. Why can’t you see that?” Jaemin pushed. He did not care anymore. He will do what it takes to make Jeno explode, to finally let out what’s been kept inside for a long time.

“I’m trying too, you know?! But it’s hard!” Jeno suddenly yelled, finally exploded. 

Jaemin immediately holds onto Jeno when he sees the older male wobble a bit. Instead of letting go, Jaemin guides them inside, to the living room on the second floor. Jeno did not move, just letting himself be handled by the younger. Making sure their sitting position is comfortable, Jaemin pulled Jeno close to him. Half of Jeno was on top of Jaemin’s lap and the younger did not mind it, instead, he tightened his hold on Jeno.

“Jeno, I’m here… always.” Jaemin reassured, leaning in to give Jeno a forehead kiss, calming the boy that was on his lap.

Eventually, Jeno opens up. He finally opens up and Jaemin couldn’t be happier. The younger was listening to the older patiently, paying full attention. When it gets too hard, Jaemin will either squeeze Jeno’s hand or give him a forehead kiss to reassure him that everything is alright. Jeno was an emotional wreck when he retells all his struggles. He would change from laughing, then crying, then back to laughing. It’s like women in their period having a mood swing. 

That night, Jeno fell asleep in Jaemin’s arms.

✨

Jaemin immediately rushed to Jeno’s place when the older did not respond to his text nor answer his call. He could only hope that Jeno is not doing any reckless thing. They were supposed to hang out today and Jaemin has been waiting for two hours but Jeno did not appear.

“Jeno!” Jaemin yelled when he barged into Jeno’s house. The house looks as it did when he was here yesterday. It was clean and nothing was trashed. Jaemin didn’t know what to feel. He rather comes face to face with a trashed house so he knows that Jeno is at home and he’s letting out his frustration on something rather than keeping it inside like he used to do. 

Jaemin did not waste any time and rushed towards Jeno’s room. When he opens the door to Jeno’s room, his line of sight is greeted with an oddly clean and tidy room. It’s good to have a tidy room but it was too tidy that it’s making Jaemin uncomfortable. Jaemin feels like he would get killed if he touches anything in the room. That’s how tidy the room is and Jaemin’s gut feeling is telling him something is wrong.

When Jeno can’t be seen anywhere in the room, there is only one last place Jeno could be in. His connected bathroom. Immediately, Jaemin punched on the bathroom door, knocking rapidly.

“Jeno, I know you’re in there! Open the fucking door!” Jaemin yelled angrily. It was quiet for a while, Jaemin thought his guess was wrong until he heard a click and the door opened. Wasting no time, Jaemin swings the door open wider and steps into the bathroom. He was hit by the smell of blood, making him almost gag. 

“Jeno, what are you doing?” Jaemin asked in disbelief even though he knows what’s happening. He was too shocked to believe that this is happening in front of him. His jaw dropped open, eyes wide as he stared at Jeno’s arms. Multiple cuts were formed and blood was oozing out from Jeno’s forearms but the older did not do anything. Jeno was just staring at his arm, face expressionless as if he is numb to it. 

“Jaemin, do you want to try?” Jeno asked with a slight smile, eyes boring into Jaemin’s soul with his right hand holding the scissors. 

The Jeno in front of him is someone he didn’t know. It was scary, Jaemin is scared. Jaemin didn’t know what happened last night that could trigger Jeno to do such a thing but he doesn’t want to know. All he’s thinking about is to make sure Jeno is safe.

“Jeno, put down the scissors and we’ll clean your wound yeah?” Jaemin speaks gently, hoping it would calm the older down or maybe bring the original Jeno back because the one standing in front of him currently is definitely not Jeno. It seems to work as Jeno slowly lower his right hand but he did not expect Jeno to go for another cut, causing him to scream when he saw what the older did.

“It feels good, you know? I love the stinging sensation the most.” 

“Jeno!” Jaemin screams again, this time he’s crying. It pains Jaemin to see Jeno like this. He was crying, trying to stop Jeno but nothing was working. At some point, Jaemin feels that he’s useless. But it seems like Jeno finally snapped out of his trance when he heard Jaemin crying. Finally back to reality, Jeno hissed in pain at the extreme stinging sensation, dropping the scissors.

“Jaemin, I’m here…” Jeno whispered softly. He felt guilty for making the younger cry. 

When Jaemin heard Jeno, he immediately engulfed the older into a hug but Jeno did not return it since his arms were covered in blood. Without much talking, Jaemin cleans up Jeno’s wound like he always does.

\-----

“Jaemin, it’s driving me crazy you know? I’m always smiling even when it hurts. My answer will always be a huge smile if anyone asks how I'm doing. Sometimes, I think I must have gone crazy.” Both of them are now cuddling on Jeno’s bed with Jaemin holding Jeno in his arms and the older snuggle into the younger’s neck. 

“No Jeno, you’re not crazy. It’s normal and that’s okay.” Jaemin tried to reassure.

“Don't comfort me, I don't want to hear any hopeful words.” 

Jeno had heard far too many hopeful words and promises that he would eventually stop listening to it because every one of those words was always broken. 

“Okay…” Jaemin could only listen to what Jeno wants.

“I can hardly fall asleep because the reality is too difficult to handle. Every time I try to sleep, the nightmare haunts me. It’s like a reminder of what happened and it’s telling me to die.” 

“We’ll try to fix it, hm? We can fix it. I believe us.” Jaemin said despite what Jeno told him earlier, no hopeful words. It wouldn’t hurt to try one more time, anyways. Jaemin truly believes that Jeno can change and he will be staying by Jeno’s side throughout any obstacles. But it seems like Jeno did not think so.

“Jaemin, I’m so tired. I want to sleep for a long long time.” Jeno whispers into Jaemin’s neck, then looks up to make eye contact with Jaemin. His eyes are teary and there is no soul in his eyes as if he’s given up. 

“Okay then, let’s sleep for a long long time yeah?” Jaemin savoured every moment of it with one last look at Jeno’s face that was tugging under his chin. He takes in Jeno’s face features, his eyes famous for his eye smile, the beauty mark near his eyes, his beautiful lips and nose, the perfect shaped eyebrows, long lashes and rosy cheeks. Jaemin closed his eyes and leaned in for a last forehead kiss for the night. 

“Promise?”

“Yes and I’m going to be here with you. I’ll always be with you.” 

✨

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I think my attempt at writing angst is bad. Jeno's situation is a lot worse when I imagine it but somehow it's not too bad in the writing. I keep getting off track and not sticking to the characters' personality and storyline too. The plot is everywhere, I'm so sorry and I don't think I really explain Jeno's struggle in detail. 
> 
> But anyways, the peanut butter prank is real and it happens in my school. It was the last day of school and some seniors thought it would be good to prank someone that is allergic to peanut butter. 
> 
> Anyways, please comment below on what you think about this story. Have a good day!


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